Thursday, September 25, 2008

New Life

My head is whirling. I feel like I do not know what in the world is happening. After all it has only been 6 years since I was pregnant, shouldn't I remember if it is okay to take Tylenol? A friend who also had many years between births said that it seemed like her first baby all over again.

Ah the first. I was so enamored with my baby boy. I could've starred at his sweet, fat baby face for hours. I was and am head over heels in love with him. I neglected all housework to watch him sleep. I worried if I could leave him alone long enough to bathe myself...

Fastforward to my sweet girl. Life was chaotic then. A month after she was born we moved into a group home for foster children to be House Parents. That was a ride! I doubted I would survive that. I doubted I would survive both children's toddler years. I look at the level of independence they have gained, that I have gained. I feel selfish to admit that I am a bit reluctant to give that up and start over with a helpless, demanding baby.

Is that wrong? I sigh and think, "diapers, early morning feedings, toddler chaos." Then the thoughts of holding that sweet new baby, of kissing that baby neck, the sweet smell that only clean, new babies have, the first things for a new child to experience... those sweet thoughts crowd out all others.

Was I prepared for morning sickness again? Was I ready for a complete rearrangement of my life? Nope. What could be a better exersise in faith, though? Do I really trust the Lord to know what is best for me, for my family, for a new life? Can I utterly surrender to His plan? I think so-moment by moment, trusting Him to lead, to strengthen, to give grace for each moment. I can't help but think that not only is He growing a new person inside me but also He is creating His new life in my heart, birthing in me His vision.

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