Confessions

I've been feeling not motivated or energized. In all honesty it is probably due to a recent reminder about how little control I have over this life. But this coldness isn't just toward housework, it is overflowing into my spiritual life as well. Not too long ago I participated in a 21 day fast with my church. I used time I would've spent eating lunch to read the Word and fellowship with the Lord. That was the most amazing excersize in spiritual discipline I have ever experienced. The Word was new and I felt the Spirit's leading in such a clear way. Now I look at the lack of spiritual discipline I've allowed myself to slide into, not opening God's Word, not listening to His gentle leading. I am apalled at my laziness. How could I taste such sweet peace, hope and joy and then allow myself to wallow in "self"?
I opened AW Tozer's The Pursuit of God and felt the heat of conviction,

"There is something more serious than coldness of heart, something that may be back of that coldness and be the cause of its existence. What is it? What but the presence of a veil in our hearts? It is the veil of our fleshly, fallen nature living on, unjudged within us, uncrucified and unrepudiated. It is the close-woven veil of self-life which we have never truly acknowledged, of which we have been secretly ashamed...[this] is not something we do but something we are and therein lies both [its] subtlety and power...There must be a work of God in destruction before we are free. We must invite the cross to do its deadly work within us. God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust."

"Yeild" and "trust" seem like such simple words, spoken from my heart to my God so many times before. How many times have I learned how desperately I need His power, love and grace? I pray that the knowledge of my deep need is always before me, so I will not step out on the thin ice of self-sufficiency. My arrogance seems so deeply rooted, but not so entrenched that He can't pull it out. I feel the pain of this as though the roots cling tightly to my soul, but I must see this work done. I can't live apart from His presence. That coldness is not really living at all.