Friday, April 9, 2010

At the end

The "churchy" thing for me to say is, "I'm glad to be at the end of myself (at the end of my rope, my sanity, my patience), cause that's where God can use me, less of me more of Him."All good things to consider but really I arrogantly hold on to the idea that I can work harder to be who I am "supposed" to be. Situations in my life daily are bringing me to the end of myself, multiple times a day really. I have let things get to this point so many times before, the point of giving and pouring out so much that I feel empty and drained. I berate myself, "if you'd just read your Bible and pray more you wouldn't feel this way." And then I open the Word and the effort to read and feed is more than I have. The effort to focus with so many distractions is monumental. I have learned that I need routine and during this time of transition there is no routine.
I don't want to flat-line and stop feeling, to just put on the mask of the good girl who is holding it all together. Although that would be one easy way out.  No, I want to embrace this struggle and let it make me stronger in my precious Lord.
And oh the struggles there are! Struggles with big kids who push against authority and need to be shown, lovingly and firmly that there is a boundary that they can't cross. Struggles with a headstrong infant who is determined to dive head first into toddler-hood. Struggles with self to teach diligently, correct patiently, love selflessly when it would be easier to do what I want, get angry and let the natives run wild!
I know my Heavenly Father wants me to keep climbing, keep striving for Him. I know He waits with arms open wide, ready to hold me, calm me, fill me. I know He sees the paths before me and knows the best ones, the smoothest ones. I know He loves me even when I choose the hardest, bumpiest, trickiest paths of all. I know He watches me in these times of struggle, not expecting me to fail, but instead, cheering me on, ready to whoop and holler when I make a good choice and yield to Him. I hear His gentle reminders, His voice of peace and calm in all the other ruckus.
I know, deep down, that the end is really the beginning. He's been faithful to show me that before. It does seem that each time He brings me to this place of being at the end that His light of correction shines to an even deeper spot in me. The tearing away of the old to reveal the new goes deeper, and is a little more painful than the times before. So now, at the end, I take a deep breath and step out toward a new beginning.

No comments: