One of my favorite things about moving is the chance to go through and simplify the stuff we amass by a severe culling. I am the worst culprit of the amassing. Usually we are able to throw away or donate items before we haul boxes. This time the move was made much less organized by the fact that many of our belongings have been in storage for 8 months (but the kids were able to get into the boxes and their digging made what little organization there was be a complete mess!) I've been overwhelmed at the prospect of sorting, organizing and unpacking for those very reasons. This weekend I was motivated and had the time to dig into some boxes. The one thing that slows down my progress is when I come across any of my old journals. I don't always journal regularly, but I love reading notes that remind me of what life was like for us at different times in our journey. But the note I found last night was more than just a sweet reminder, it made my heart stop for a few beats and I felt the gentle whisper of my Beloved.
A few families at church have been welcoming precious new babies. Even with the difficulties our youngest had, I have been feeling the ache of missing a newborn in my arms, and have been praying that we could have a new family member too. My justifications for another baby include the fact that the youngest needs a closer sibling so he won't grow up feeling like an only, and just the fact that I love being around these people and would love the blessing of another person in our family. My husband has not felt the same way and I've been trying to stay in submission to his leadership, even while praying that God would change his mind! :)
Last night I found a note I'd written after a prayer time, detailing some prayer requests I'd had at the time, and the answers I'd felt from the Lord and His Word. It was dated way back when our daughter was about two or three and I had felt the same ache for a baby then too. I put it down without really reading the whole note, because i was sorting! and trying to make progress! and throw things away! Then there was this pressure in my chest, and my attention was drawn to the slip of yellow paper again. The last line read, "Its not God's time for another baby," and made me suck in a quick breath of surprise.
That sentence wasn't just for then. My Jesus reached down into that moment, when there is an entire house full of boxes to be sorted and directed me to that particular page. His peace flooded my heart and with a sigh I breathed thanks for His direction. I don't really like when the answers to my prayers are "no". But I have given Him the reigns to my life and trust that He knows better than I. The hardest part about accepting when Jesus says no is seeing others to whom He has said yes in a similar issue. But my head doesn't need to understand why He answers prayers in a certain way, nor does my heart have to like it. I must obey and know that His plan is good.