Instead of fresh wind rejuvenating our learning it feels like I am at the end of my patience, of my resolve. A day is filled with me running ragged, putting out the fires of bickering children, calling on distracted students to focus, picking up, sopping up or otherwise cleaning a mess the baby has made- in between being a cute and funny distraction to the big kids- all the while trying to keep up with housework, keep the kids on task for their chores and wondering when I might have a moment to have a complete thought of my own.
There is no place that is baby proof, as he has learned to push chairs and is an expert climber. In our temporary apartment home there is no way to keep him in one area near where we do school, short of baby-gating him in his room (which I have done).
I'm wondering if we are on track academically (I think so, but am doubting myself at every turn).
I'm wondering if I am teaching them, even more importantly, character traits that will give them tools to survive and thrive in life.
I'm wondering if they might do better at our Christian school in town.
On one hand it feels like I am coming to grips with who I am. I know that my personality is laid back and easy going. That can be a strength; I can maintain peace in the Lord and calm in many times of stress. In situations where structure and routine is needed I don't do as well. I can set up a routine and plan a schedule but the smallest bump in our days sends me for a loop! I also admit that things in our living arrangement, in our ministry schedule are less than ideal for keeping routines.
On the other hand it feels like I am admitting defeat. Like I am not good enough- not good enough teacher, time manager, mother, wife, disciplinarian- I can admit my shortcomings when I have complete confidence in my Lord, Jesus Christ. He is the perfect parent when I am not, the perfect teacher when I am not, the perfect disciplinarian. He can redeem all my mistakes. Praise Him! He does redeem and restore!
Where do I go from here? Set up another routine? Try to enforce an existing one? Enroll them in Christian school? It definitely causes me to scrutinize my reasons for homeschooling- Are we schooling for religious reasons? for academic reasons? I feel we can maintain Christ as center if the kids are in Christian school, or homeschool. I feel like God will bring challenges to teach them wherever they are.
No resolution yet. I'm sure there will be one. Keeping on in the midst of the wonderings.