We returned home from a busy day at the FireEscape coffeehouse and since we hadn't had much family time we all left together for a few minutes to run a quick errand. We are in a small town and sometimes we don't lock the door to our home when we leave. It is still a little crazy to me to do so, as we were living in metro-Houston area and locked the door every time we left. When we got home I noticed that someone from church had returned my daughter's toothbrush (she'd forgotten it after a sleepover at a friend's house) and left it on the very cluttered counter of our kitchen. I've been trying to keep things tidy, but anytime my help is needed with the ministry the housework definitely suffers.
Instantly the downward cycle of negative thoughts began. I have struggled with letting go of the need to impress people and replacing it with a desire to please my God, but pride rises up so quickly. I prayed that as I rest in His grace, my friends in Christ will extend grace to me. I don't have it all together, I may never get any better at juggling everything. I'm beginning to feel that only when I allow the mask to fall and let everyone see me for the mess I really am will they see all that Christ is in my life.
Tonight He was my belt of truth, the force holding me together when I wanted to dissolve into a sobbing mess, mourning over the shame of my messy kitchen. (Ok-the shame of my messy HOUSE.) He was my enough-grace-for-the-moment when the baby was tired, and the big kids were tired and no one was in bed on time, including a tired mommy. Today He was my strength as I went between my ministry role, my mommy role, my teacher role and my housekeeper role. He was my boldness when I tried to obey His leading me out of my comfort zone. How will anyone see all that Christ has been to me today if I am hiding behind a mask of having-it-all-together?
I will be reminding myself of God's grace tonight. I will need it because the enemy will be attacking with the same lies of "not good enough," and "you're the only one." I will lie down tonight asking for the truth to wrap around me and hold me together. I will remember that salvation protects me, the righteousness of Christ enrobes me, that faith shields me.
Jesus Christ is my source, He is my center.