I am not single handedly ruining my childrens' academic future...

I am not single-handedly ruining my childrens' academic future. I'm repeating this to myself today as I listen to my husband console the baby in the next room. I think we've entered the realm of teething, or the baby has a cold, or some other reason that we haven't thought of. I tell you I was never so glad to see hubby after he got off work today!
We've had a busy month, and I know we've made progress. It seems that it takes one bad day to convince me that there have never been and will never again be good days. Getting into to groove of schooling in any given day is not as structured as I would like.
I'm trying to give myself a break, as a good friend told me. This crazy season of baby and all the other things filling our lives will pass. We will survive. We will probably learn far more than I think we are learning. I find it difficult to take it easy when the kid's education is one of the things I am juggling now. I do tend to over-analyze, though. Can you tell?!
Writing for me has not been happening. I have managed to snatch a few moments of Bible time. My prayer life boils down to what happened today as I rocked a crying baby. I looked toward the ceiling and said to God, "change something here, especially if it is me!!"
I will trust Him. Motherhood is tough. I want to grow in Him and develop fruits of the Spirit, even if it takes this kind of work. He knows what plans He has for me.

Inadequacy

Inadequacy attacked me today. I was walking out of the library, balancing a stack of books for the kids to use for their studies next week. My stomach was full of a meal I'd prepared in the crock-pot while we did school today. My head was whirring about ideas for them to study next week. Then I saw the poster.


It was an advertisement for the summer reading program party. It was for all participants that met a certain reading requirement in their summer reading. It was bright and colorful, very attention grabbing. I breathed a sigh of relief that the kids were at home with dad.


If they'd been along I'd have to explain why we could not go- we had read more than enough to qualify, the kicker- I had not been diligent about having them write down the pages they read or about turning the list in to the librarian. My shoulders sagged with feelings of not-good-enough. I thought of all the fun they could've had with kids their age, if I'd only been better at my job of super-mom.


I was well on my way to excuses and justifications for myself when I got to my mini-van. As I pulled out of the library parking lot, the local Christian radio station was playing a minute-long monologue of encouraging words. "Our insufficiencies are only to make us look to God. He alone is sufficient."


I smiled, shoulders back, as a weight lifted. I don't have to be super-mom. I can trust my Heavenly Father to be everything. Not just everything I'm not, He is Everything. My inadequacy glorifies His adequacy in all things.

Why is what I want to do opposite of what I do?

Last Monday was my 31st birthday. I gave myself a 'homeschool holiday' for the day and snuggled into the couch with a science fiction book. My kids were very compliant about this interruption in our schedule, and even cleaned their rooms (with a little prompting from dad). This is all well and good. Little breaks and holidays are needed. The problem came when I found myself very unmotivated the rest of the week. Now, I can think of very many excuses why I did not practice diligence last week, but none of them really matter.
I completely dropped the ball in everything: housework, Bible study, prayer time, exercise, home-organization, healthy eating...the list goes on.
Not too long ago our pastor challenged us to lift the church up in prayer and to fast as part of this prayer time. I participated in a month-long fast during which I did not eat lunch, instead I prayed and read the Word during lunch time. The kids were still in public school at the time so the house was quiet and it was so amazing. I have never felt such an awareness of how incredible the scriptures are. I felt so "close" to God. I found so much motivation to live "on purpose," I saw myself practicing diligence in many areas of my life that month. So I look at the two extremes of those times in my life and wonder if I will ever find a consistency in me. I am grateful that my Heavenly Father does not lose patience with me in my widely oscillating moods, attitudes and commitment levels! O what would I do without His grace?!
So it's Sunday. I'm looking at the week ahead and wondering what will come of it.
I have determined in my heart "to live purposefully and accurately, making the most of the time" (Eph 5:15-16 Amplified) not only will I rejoice in this, but also I will live in such a way as to please Him today. I am not responsible for living everyday perfectly; I am responsible for saying everyday, "Today is His. I will rejoice. I will serve. I will follow."

Lonely!

I know, I know...who wants to hear complaining?! Right!? I have been throwing myself a little pity party because I learned that a good friend, a homeschooler, is moving out of state. I had hoped to do so much with her and her wonderful family. Our kids love each other and even our husbands get along, and then they go and take a wonderful job opportunity! I have been looking for a good friend like this for so long. The name for this blog comes from my firm belief that having a little imagination improves things...but I'm having trouble "imagining" a new connection like this one!
The thoughts have been tumbling around in my heart that I can trust the Lord: that I can rely on Him to meet my needs better than anyone else, that I can trust Him to provide the connections He knows I need so much. I do realize that not only am I very skilled at throwing pity parties I am also impatient! I want those connections now. I want the maturity to depend on Him now.
Then, like sunlight cutting through the clouds, comes a glimpse of His peace. His grace blows through my heart like a warm breeze. He will meet and overflow my need. He has before. He will again. Oh, to walk constantly in that peace and grace! I know He readily offers these gifts to me every day. I'm the one who chooses to throw the pity parties!