I don't have it all together

We returned home from a busy day at the FireEscape coffeehouse and since we hadn't had much family time we all left together for a few minutes to run a quick errand. We are in a small town and sometimes we don't lock the door to our home when we leave. It is still a little crazy to me to do so, as we were living in metro-Houston area and locked the door every time we left. When we got home I noticed that someone from church had returned my daughter's toothbrush (she'd forgotten it after a sleepover at a friend's house) and left it on the very cluttered counter of our kitchen. I've been trying to keep things tidy, but anytime my help is needed with the ministry the housework definitely suffers.

Instantly the downward cycle of negative thoughts began. I have struggled with letting go of the need to impress people and replacing it with a desire to please my God, but pride rises up so quickly. I prayed that as I rest in His grace, my friends in Christ will extend grace to me. I don't have it all together, I may never get any better at juggling everything. I'm beginning to feel that only when I allow the mask to fall and let everyone see me for the mess I really am will they see all that Christ is in my life.

Tonight He was my belt of truth, the force holding me together when I wanted to dissolve into a sobbing mess, mourning over the shame of my messy kitchen. (Ok-the shame of my messy HOUSE.) He was my enough-grace-for-the-moment when the baby was tired, and the big kids were tired and no one was in bed on time, including a tired mommy. Today He was my strength as I went between my ministry role, my mommy role, my teacher role and my housekeeper role. He was my boldness when I tried to obey His leading me out of my comfort zone. How will anyone see all that Christ has been to me today if I am hiding behind a mask of having-it-all-together?

I will be reminding myself of God's grace tonight. I will need it because the enemy will be attacking with the same lies of "not good enough," and "you're the only one." I will lie down tonight asking for the truth to wrap around me and hold me together. I will remember that salvation protects me, the righteousness of Christ enrobes me, that faith shields me.

Jesus Christ is my source, He is my center.

I'm almost 9 and I don't have to listen to you!!!

Yeah. That summarizes the conflict between my eldest son and I last week. Clearly there are some respect issues that need work.
I tried to be calm. At one point I felt my blood boil at the evil glances he shot my way and at the disrespectful words he hurled at me. And then I heard my voice, the volume rising right along with the feelings churning inside. I stopped mid-sentence and forced myself to speak calmly, without sarcasm or anger. Wow was that difficult!
When he persisited with his rotten attitude, I had to follow through with a consequence I told him he would face. So I spent the better part of a morning cleaning out his room. I removed all his toys. All.
Too harsh? I don't know. I had to do something to let him understand that his treatment of me had to change. I needed a concrete way to show him that actions and attitudes have consequences. And I explained to him that good actions and attitudes have good consequences.

Today has been better. There has been no eye rolling, no whining about every math problem or copywork sentence. He has said 'yes ma'm" and has tried to have a good attitude. I see him trying. I've even given back some of his toys.

I will still do my part and change our schooling approach to match his maturity level. I will watch to see what works for his learning style (not mine). I am left with the overwhelming sense of how much I need to learn.

Really, though. This is hard work. Impossible without the grace of my God.

What have I gotten myself into?

Over the course of Monday and Tuesday there were at least 5 times that I seriously considered driving to the public school and registering dinohunter. He is struggling. I knew there would be a battle because of his struggles in school. He just doesn't want to focus on the task at hand. For today, Wednesday, I told him he could have all his work and could decide how and when to work on it. I told him I wouldn't nag him to get to work.

Ooops. Who knew that would be so difficult for me?!

So we bumped heads again today and now my thought is that I will still let him choose what to work on, but will give him only one topic or assignment at a time. I really don't want to pester him and damage our relationship. I need to let him learn that if he does waste time there will be consequences, like having his work pile up. It is so hard to let them learn the lessons that took so long to sink into my thick skull! I want to tell them, show them...when all they really need is the freedom to learn for themselves. That is one of the hardest things about parenting (so far at least). I know that they decision to keep on this path and keep holding strong to a standard is only from the Lord. He gives the strength, the peace and the patience.
I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes!